As I said to someone earlier, it's as if my psyche is being held together by toothpicks and glue. It can be easily patched together by readily available materials, and just as easily torn apart. If I think of specific people, it will disintegrate. If I think of my future educational prospects, it will unravel. If I think of all of the mistakes that I can readily remember, it will undo.

When I was confronted by one of the school's social workers, I wept and screamed and pulled at my hair and grabbed at my forearm until I drew blood. The others in the room were stupefied into silence at the profundity of my self-loathing.

I hate myself. I hate everything about my being from my overweight body to my skewed thought processes to my incapacity to defend myself to my inability to stay with anything that brings me any remote feeling of happiness and content.

And I hate how everyone except me can recognize how "wonderful" I am in being endowed with a unique set of talents that no one else can attest to. And I hate how everyone tells me that I have limitless potential if I can only see it.

And I hate that I know what I have to do, but I just can bring myself to do it.

I need help.

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