"I'm still torn between feelings of absurdity for being in here, and those of gratefulness for being led to insights I don't believe I could've reached on my own. Even now this dissonance dampens my abilities to rationalize my feelings.

"Speaking of, that's an insight that struck me while in here. I'm very afraid of not being taken seriously when I am being serious, though I mask that fear with self-deprecating humor, charm, and over rationalization of my feelings.

"That was decided upon just through conversation. I wonder what they would say if they read more into this diary.

"I also seem to be the most fascinating patient to be admitted here in a while. I'm the subject of conversations between counselors, and a med student casually said that my psyche could easily be the subject of his thesis. As for being embarrassed or flattered, I didn't know how to feel.

"A conversation that sticks in my mind is one that I just had with Charles, a counselor. He says that the reason he pays more attention to me than to anyone else and spends endless hours on my file is one of simple fascination. And he admitted that he is rather self-centered, but he's in tune with his feelings and knows why he feels the he does. He claims that I am the complete opposite, that I have abnormal empathic abilities and have valuable insights into the breathing being beside me, and yet have not the slightest idea of what's happening inside of me. I told him that if I concentrate on myself for too long, I feel self-centered, which is loathesome to me especially in the presence of another person.

"Then he asked me why I feel that way, and I couldn't answer him. He then told me to use my empathic talent to imagine how my parents felt in that very moment, and when they had learned that their son wanted to end his life.

"My purported selflessness was transfigured into a state of ultimate selfishness in my mind, and I felt complete and utter shame."

They started to reach deep into the bowels of what drove me, and what was me. I also had a roommate with a serious anger management problem by then.

I didn't sleep very much.

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